Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 2009...

I have a "friend" going through a very tough time right now. They were very supportive of me when I was going through a very tough time. So I spent the evening talking to them and being supportive. I had called My Geek earlier in the evening to inform him of said supportive tough time talk. Geek is aware of said tough time and is also supportive though not as close to the friend and does not talk.

My Geek has a bit of a tough time this time of year also. I have a tough time this time of year. My mother has a tough time this time of year. And on December 29, 2008 they all intersected in a truly spectacular way.

My Geek had spent the entire evening working in the out of doors restoring the Interwebs to us by endlessly adjusting the routers which transfer a wireless internet signal between three houses and through the deep, dark, & panic inducing woods to our house. He did not check his voicemail to hear my explanation of the aforementioned tough time talk. He instead stumbled up through the woods to find a large truck idling in his driveway at 9:30pm. He proceeds to call me in a slight panic.

I, being a good and decent friend, have turned off my cell phone so as not to belittle nor interrupt aforementioned tough time talk. My Geek, who has a tough time this time of year, has been having nightmares recently. My Geek should not go without sleep, due to yet other more recent tough times. This along with prolonged physical exertion, probably a little low blood sugar, a dark and creepy wood, a monster truck idling in his driveway, his girlfriend nowhere to be found, not answering her phone AND a little extra emotional tough time of the year baggage thrown in for good measure and he proceeds to stalk through the woods panicked, calling & text messaging me for the next 20-30 minutes.

I, being a good and decent friend, am completely unaware of any of this. My friend finally assures me that he will be okay. I return satisfied of being a good and decent friend to my home only to find it empty. I pull out my phone to call MY Geek and see a voicemail notification. I check my voicemail. It sounds like something from The Blair Witch Project. It's My Geek out of breath, twigs snapping underfoot, asking where I am and what's wrong and what's that truck?! and then the message just cuts off mid sentence. I call him. He's out of breath. He's in the woods. He's mad. It is now 10pm. He hangs up on me.

I wander out of doors to meet him at the top of the trail and try to smooth things out or maybe start a fight. (Sometimes I try not to overthink these things and just go with what feels right in the moment, you know.) I reach the trail, in the dark, and am startled by what I think to be My Geek. However, this figure, though as tall as My Geek, is not agitated as My Geek would have been. This figure, I soon realize, is My Mother. We raise our arms in mutual bewilderment, like two mimes. My Geek stomps up the trail, passes between the two of us (still in prolonged shrugs like two sarcastic Greek statues), and then proceeds to stomp into the house and turn off all the lights.

My Mother turns to me, hugs me, hugs me again, hugs me a third time while slightly rocking me back & forth, and then announces at the top of her lungs...

"Happy Festivus!"


*All is well now. And I thank my lucky stars for my Geek, my friends (all five or six of you) and my family. I hope 2009 brings us all the best - and when it doesn't I'll remember why I love you all so much! Thank you all.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


My pirate name is:

Mad Bess Bonney

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Plus, I had to use the "Edit Html" tab on this post cause their code wasn't Copy & Paste worthy. Now who's a Pirate?!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Forgotten but Not Gone

I've been really frazzled & scattered & screwed up all summer. My writing has suffered, my personal life has suffered, and my poor neglected blog has suffered. But with fall slowly decaying around me I feel freshly inspired. I replied to MyBestestFriend's email today with the following message and I think it sums up how things are going for me right now:

"I’m not sure what the hell happened this afternoon… I think my muse might be back. He’s been lounging around just outside the corner of my eye, teasing me while I’m trying to work, and whispering wonderfully brazen ideas in my ear while I’m sleeping. I’m thinking of trying to lure him out into the open with coffee, absinthe, and an old typewriter."

I'm still really busy, however I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be making the time to dabble with my favorite creative outlets very soon...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm magic!

I disappeared for 2 months!
I'm back. I'm still working harder and longer than I would like, but I have made a few decisions about how I am going to spend my time.

I have decided that if my BigStupidHero can work like a maniac and still have time to write a little, rant a little, and stay in touch with his friends via the IntraWeb ~ then so can I!

My Faerie godbaby, Puppy, is doing wonderfully disgusting things. His mother, MyBestestFriend, has a new blog, but I don't know if I'm allowed to link to it. I'll have to ask permission first ~ after all she's a MOM now so you ALWAYS have to ask permission first. I'm going to have to start taking the camera over when I visit. I'm pretty sure I can get some really interesting abstract art out of that little critter. By the way, I have decided that sitting and holding Puppy is really relaxing and fun. It's like playing with a kitten ~ a drooling, farting, hairless kitten with poor motor skills.

Myself, MyBigStupidHero, and three other friends went camping last weekend. We had fun. The lake was a little on the chill side, but a rousing game of "gently toss the nerf ball" kept the blood pumping enough to prevent hypothermia. It's been a while since I've actually had to sleep in a sleeping bag on the ground and that was not something I missed. I got smoke in my eyes pretty good while trying to start the fire. Couldn't light the damned brand new cook stove. And two (TWO!) of my fake "vegetarian" hotdogs fell into the fire. But there was great conversation, truly inappropriate humour, lots of food, and campsite neighbors whose only flaw was keeping a radio going all night just faintly enough that you kept trying to figure out what song was playing. I did not take this picture of our campsite, it was simply emailed to me after I returned home. I think Big Foot has a digital camera.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'm So Smart I'm Stupid

I read. A lot. I'm a poet. So sometimes when I read something I'm thinking about other things... Ponies, kittens, sex, those geometric patterns left in drying mud. Anyway. I was looking up an address on RandMcNally.com (because MapQuest sucks) and I'm skimming the page trying to zoom in close enough to see what I need to see when suddenly I spot a word. A wonderful word. A word I think I know vaguely, but I realize with a fluttering heart that I've never seen it used this way before. Could it be? It makes perfect sense to me. I know EXACTLY what it's saying. "Recenter." And then I see it again. "Recenter maps on address." How original. How playful. I am feeling that same feeling as the first time I read Clockwork Orange.

Then I see the big picture. There is nothing new under the sun. Everything is as it was. The muck of mundanity sucks at my shoes and my brain plods slowly and deliberately back to work.

For those who care, there was a fleeting moment when the word "Recenter" filled my mind as the most beautifully off kilter way to state "More Recent." Now I feel melancholy and rather stupid. I don't even have the excuse of having been incapcitoxicated.

Monday, June 2, 2008


I'm a Faerie godmother!
My bestestfriend in the whole wide world gave birth to her life long burden Friday morning. He was a big baby-8lbs 11oz. Which means I won the bet and not only will I NOT be changing shitty diapers on our first Mall Crawl together, but I'll also be getting a fabulous prize (that DOESN'T come wrapped in a diaper)! I am so glad that everyone seems to be unscathed by the whole horrifying experience. I have crocheted a blanket, made a draft blocker for the scary closet door, tie dyed onesies & receiving blankets, made a sage smudge stick, fixed up a "Welcome Home" basket for the mommy which includes the first 2 seasons of Perfect Strangers, and found the perfect little buddha for Puppy's room.

I'm busy as hell at work, but I am soooo looking forward to being able to stop by and see the little gross bundle of poop after work. It will be so nice to watch him & play with him and then still be able to go home at the end of the night and have sex and drink and curse and then sleep late the next morning without any real worries. Yippeee! It's not my kid!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Spring and other things

I've been working my ass off lately, not sleeping very well, and just been generally pissed off at the entire world. It happens every fucking spring. I hate the color green, I hate pollen, I hate humidity, I hate warm weather. Spring has always reminded me of kudzu - this choking green cover that seems to smother everything.

And now for something COMPLETELY different.
This is what MyBigStupidHero had for lunch yesterday:

I ate the same thing minus the dead animal and broccoli casserole (I've always suspected there's something lurking in there I don't want... maybe chicken broth) plus a side of fried squash. Very very good. Well, okay, so maybe life isn't so fuckin' bad after all when a vegetarian can go out to lunch with her friends and have some kick ass southern cooking. Thanks for making me leave my little grey funk at the office, ThomAss!

Friday, April 11, 2008

I have not fallen off the face of the earth...

Though there have been times in the past few weeks when it would have been nice to have had that option. Work is HORRIFYING! I hate being a grown up! I hate having a job where I can't say what I really think about people and situations. I may be blunt and brutaly honest, but at least I am tactful and take other people's feelings into consideration! Have I mentioned I hate my job? I don't especially like living in a house with another human being at the moment either, but I really do love my Geek and would be lost without him so I just apologize to him every day for being so prickly and angry about stuff. I'm just frustrated. Frustrated! I could SO easily become a hermit. I would LOVE to be a hermit! A lonely old witch living off in the woods by herself. I like alone. I like not quite right. I like silence and darkness. I like reading out loud. I like a bottle of SoCo and bad movies. I like wine and Mozart. I like vodka and punk. I like quilts and cats and books. I like soft grass and warm sun. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm just overwhelmed, that's all. It happens about every 2 years. I'll get over it. Probably by drinking and writing and reading and being a little more me. My apologies to everyone who has to put up with my melodramatic ass.

Friday, March 21, 2008

my addiction

Hello, my username on GoodReads.com is iammyself, and I'm addicted to books. I encourage all my friends (all 8 of you!) to also admit to this debilatating habit. Books have interfered with my work and personal life. Books made me neglect housekeeping and sleep. Books have made me go without food and eat things I shouldn't. Books have made me fall recklessly in love and thrown me into fits of rage. Books have been my crutch and my balm. I mix books with liquor sometimes and chocolate more often. I have feigned headaches to be allowed to finish a good book in peace.

Now I start a new chapter. I am going to try and catalog and then review what lines my bookshelves, rises in towers on my tables, desks, and dresser, rests in stacks on my spare room's floor, and hides beneath my bed. I will hold nothing back, I will show all my literary diet - even the smut and fluff and drivel. For we are what we read. I may not like my hair or my mouth and I might be self consicous about my various curves, but I will never be ashamed to lay bare my literary soul. Go look for yourself. I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours.

Edit: Ye gods! This is going to take forfuckingever! It's 2:20 am now and I'm only through the stacks of books that were lying WITHIN REACH OF THE DOOR on the floor of my spare room, plus a few that I just happened to come across on the site that I knew for certain that I read in my younger years. I'm not only addicted to books, I'm apparently addicted to listing books. How did this happen?! I have work to do this weekend! I have a boyfriend and a dog and other obligations and at least ten times this many more books to go through and list. And that's NOT even reviewing them or pulling out qoutes! What have I gotten myself into? If I disappear off the face of the earth just look behind the stacks of books on my coffee table and you'll find me slumped on the couch typing away... My fingers are actually locking up on my left hand! I've never had that happen before. I have to stop before I hurt myself. I'm going to bed - but I guarentee I'll be back at it tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

How long will I continue to talk about my birthday?

With the truly wonderful way everyone treated me this past year (All year long, not just my birthday!) probably til next year.

I know I've said before how much I love having a Geek for a lover. (By the way, I have decided that 32 is too old to be calling the man that I have lived with for the past 7 or 8 years my "boyfriend.") This year for my birthday he proved, yet again, why I fell for him in the first place.

He came home late from work the night of my birthday carrying a balloon, (the 12 yr old who lives inside my head LOVES balloons!) a stuffed pony, (Again, the 12 yr old.) a bouquet of some of the sweetest smelling roses I ever had the pleasure to receive, the complete first season of Sex and the City, AND a set of paper party hats for our pets/children! Here's a breakdown of why these things he brought me mean so much to me:

A) Balloon: I just generally think it's cute when grown men carry them around. Not so much clowns or balloon salesmen, but a man dressed in a suit or work clothes carrying a single balloon just makes me giggle.

B) Stuffed pony: A little background is required here - I am a VERY tactile person. My Geek knows this and tends to spend an exorbitant amount of time (sometimes so much time he fears he might be asked to leave the store) searching through shelves of stuffed animals (Kinda like some sort of Mr. Whipple character) looking for the perfect soft - but not too soft, cute - but not too cutesy, one. Preferably with those little "bean bag" weighted feet. And his choice of a pony was fabulous.

C) Roses: Roses are not my favorite flower. One of my favorites? Yes. The thing is I like roses that REALLY smell like roses! Most times you find that store (Grocery or Wal-Mart) roses almost don't even have a smell or flower shop roses have that fake rose smell that you're pretty sure someone must have sprayed on. The thing that endears my Geek's choices of flowers to me most is the fact he has almost NO sense of smell. Therefore to find roses, or any flower, that smells the way he knows I like them he stands around sniffing bouquet after bouquet until something finally gets through to him. He proudly announced of my Birthday Roses - "I knew if I could smell them then they must be wonderful!"

D) Sex and the City: My Geek not only bought it for me, he actually enjoys sitting down and watching it with me. He actually shares laughs with me about how much certain characters remind us of certain people (even though there have been a few times we've had those uncomfortable moments where something hits a little close to home, but even those are funny.) How many men do you know that will actually share something that girly with you and NOT complain? Not many, I dare say, not damn many.

E) Paper Party Hats: Ok, not the best thing in the world normally, BUT when you get them to put on your pets it's absofuckinglutely hilarious! I love this man!

Now for the pictures you've ALL been waiting for!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Legal Drinking Age for a Daddy's Girl?

32! P.S. If you can see the dog in this picture have another beer!

I should have posted this MUCH earlier, but work & such really has kept me completely consumed. I realized this year how much I really have to be thankful for. All (8) of my friends called me to wish me Happy Birthday. Four of them sang. Mypregnantbestfriend made me a birthday cake. (Pictures of the edible delight will be posted as soon as I get them from said best friend.) My Daddy & my Mom both gave me great presents. The beer was from Daddy. It was fabulous! I took it home that evening and ate Archway Iced Oatmeal Cookies, drank some of my Birthday Beer and watched some Little House on the Prairie. I cried. Both because I was happy and because I was sad. It was good.

Thursday, February 28, 2008


It's official.
I'm old.
Today I turned 32.
The thing that makes me feel REALLY old though?
My Geek turned 30 this year.
I will never again fuck a guy in his 20s.
I have a feeling it's all downhill from here.
Is this why guys feel the need to try and pick up girls half their age?
I understand the urge.
But it doesn't make YOU any younger.
It actually only makes you seem even older.
I plan on aging gracefully.
No mid-life Cougar phase for this girl.
Just a Mustang, a tight pair of jeans, and a long bumpy road.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Carnations & Roses

Carnations and Roses

Pink like my Toeses

southern martyr 02-14-08

My geek is wonderful - as only a geek can be. Happy Valentine's Day to all my nearest and dearest! I love you all. Especially MyPregnantBestFriend (and puppy) and MyBigStupidHero, friends make an unbearable world bearable - Thank you.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Writer's Block

I've been TRYING to work today. I really have. I am suffering from writer's block. I have an ad due tomorrow and I can't come up with shit. I've got an image. I've got my layout. I've got a tagline, "Away From It All - Not Too Far Away." (Yeah, I know. I still can't get the taste of little fuzzy kitten out of my mouth from that one...) But I can't actually think of any verbage to use in the text body of the ad.

The hardest part is that I don't really care. So here's a tag I received from my PregnantBestFriend:

SCATTEGORIES...it's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new email. When you are done, send it on, including to the person who sent it to you. Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following... they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. (WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS HARD IF YOU ALREADY READ THEIR ANSWERS). You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl.

1. What is your name: Southern Martyr (My real name starts with an "S" also. And it's NOT "Smartass.")

2. 4 letter word: Soul

3. Vehicle: Suburban

4. City: Seville (Spanish: Sevilla) in Spain

5. Boy's Name: Sam

6. Girl's Name: Sarah

7. Alcoholic drink: SoCo (Southern Comfort for all you unhip cats out there)

8. Occupation: Sex Worker

9. Something you wear: Sleeves

10. Celebrity: Sara Gilbert

11. Food: Swiss Cheese

12. Something found in a bathroom: Sink

13. Reason for Being Late: Sex

14. Cartoon character: Scrooge McDuck

15. Something You Shout: Seriously!

16. Animal: Swordfish

17. Body part: Shin

18. Word to describe you: Sullen

Go ahead, play instead of work! You know you want to!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Sometimes I Worry...

I don't talk about my family very much here at Southern Martyr. Partly because I don't think anything short of a Tennessee Williams-esque 2,000 page novel bound in the hand cured hide of one of my father's prize heifers (dead from natural causes, of course) could possibly begin to do my family justice. And then my Pregnant Best Friend forwards me brief a news story from Britain and I realize that I am not alone. There are others out there who will grow up cringing and laughing in equal parts to tell their own stories. One day I will meet one of them and we will sit and talk about how our parents were such wonderful, creative, loving, friendly, intelligent, free spirits who were merely misunderstood when discovered to be building that tree house with retractable ladder and pulley system/secret mock castle with cannon/basement mad scientist laboratory/full size tee pee made from old tent material/doors to nowhere.

I worry that a link to this article will eventually disappear leaving no reminder of this news story which made me think immediately of my own family life (not exactly the same, but similar enough in some ways to make me worry - just a little), so I copied and pasted the article verbatim:

Farmer hides castle from building inspectors
By Peter Apps Fri Jan 25, 7:45 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A farmer built an entire mock castle behind a screen of hay bales and lived there concealed for four years to evade planning regulations, officials said on Friday -- but it may be torn down anyway.

Robert Fidler hopes to take advantage of a provision of planning law that allows buildings without planning permission to be declared legal if no objections have been made after four years.

But Reigate and Banstead Borough Council in Surrey is not impressed.

"It does not count because the property was hidden behind hay bales," said a spokeswoman. "No one knew it was there."

The council wants the building near Redhill some 30 km south of London to be demolished, along with an associated conservatory, marquee structure, wooden bridge, patio, decking and tarmac racecourse.

"It looks like a mock-Tudor house from the front and it's got two turrets at the back," the spokeswoman said. "I understand there is also a cannon."

The couple would have been unlikely to get planning permission as the farm was in "green belt" land where building was restricted, she said. A hearing takes place in February.

Fidler's wife Linda told the Daily Mail newspaper the children grew up looking at straw out of the windows of the house and that they kept their son away from playschool on the day his class were due to do paintings of their houses.

"We couldn't have him drawing a big blue haystack," she said. "People might ask questions."

Planning inspectors had been called to the site by concerned neighbours shortly before Fidler took the hay bales down in summer 2006 but had not seen the house.

"When the inspectors went there, all they saw was hay bales and hay bales on agricultural land are not that unusual," the spokeswoman said.

"I think the neighbours thought there might be something going on but it is difficult to tell, isn't it?"

(Editing by Steve Addison)

I'd been in the middle of writing another post when Pregnant Best Friend emailed me this story and I HAD to post it straightway. This has inspired me to do a little writing. I hope that my father doesn't read this and get any ideas.

Actually, I take that back. I've wanted my very own stone tower in the woods for a very long time...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Mustang? Hell Yeah!

I just came across THIS which states that the new KITT for the new made for TV Knight Rider movie is a Mustang! Hell Yeah! TransAms are for redneck pussies with little dicks. Mustangs are for girls who know how to drive stick and men who get girls who know how to drive stick.

I love this qoute: "Maintaining as much of the original beauty of the Shelby as possible was important—and not just because of the Ford connection. It had to be simple yet believable as a superhero."

Disclaimer: The above is my opinion. Only my opinion counts on this blog so if you disagree with me about this don't bother commenting, I will just delete it - unless of course you want everybody to know that you're a redneck pussy with a little dick...

New Year's Excuses

Okay, so I haven’t been “blogging” much lately. There are a myriad of reasons – and most of them are personal character flaws.

#1 Work. Hell-a-shish! Weekends, evenings, writing content in my fucking sleep.
Character flaw associated with Work: Procrastination.

#2 Holidays. Suck. Wallowing took up a lot of my time this year, but I’m almost done.
Character flaw associated with Holidays: Self pity.

#3 Family. See #2. No box of Whitman’s chocolates from Daddy. I got a Christmas present from him, but it wasn’t Whitman’s box chocolates. What does he think I am – a 31 year old woman?! Plus the usual awkward Family Get Together bullshit. Although, I bet most of you didn’t pull up to your grandparents’ house Thanksgiving Day to see a Sheriff’s car parked out front.
P.S. The present I DID get from him was great & I really did NEED it. I am going to get out with the camera one day this next week and get some photos to put up on the old blog to show it off.
Character flaw associated with Family: Arrogance & self centeredness. I’m only listing my own character flaws here. If I listed all of my family’s flaws not only would the list be the longest blog entry I’ve ever typed (which is saying A LOT!) but it would also only serve to highlight my own arrogance & self centeredness by doing so.

#4 Pregnant Best Friend. Pregnant. This one is a good reason. I am spending as much time as possible making fun of - I mean - supporting her. (With boobs like that she needs all the support she can get).
Character flaw associated with Pregnant Best Friend: Vicarious living. Not so much a flaw as a survival technique.

So that’s my list of New Year’s Excuses. What’s yours?