It is 1:30am.
I have restored the InterWebs.
Again.
It wasn't gremlins this time.
It was dragons.
I may never fully recover.
Neither will the groundhog.
Showing posts with label pointless violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pointless violence. Show all posts
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Last night - A Dream Study
I was getting married
in a pink dress
which was being decorated
with pink FROSTING roses
when someone brushed my hair
and made me cry
a midget swore to kill me on my honeymoon
yet was willing to give me a sporting chance
Barbie gave a pep talk to convince him
to go through with his threat
it apparently didn't matter to her
that my family raised fish
Monday, August 6, 2007
Where's my angry elephant when I need it!?
Edit:
I have decided that I need to include a mood indicator on my posts kinda as a warning system of some sort...
The forecast for this post is: Overcast early on with a 90% chance of nihilism and scattered rage storms by late afternoon.
I hate working in a public building with a public bench directly outside my very old and very uninsulated window. In this old building the windows are anything but sound proof and if you happen to sit outside my window and speak in anything other than a conspiratorial whisper I can and will hear abso-fucking-lutely everything you say. And being the horribly judgemental hateful person I am I will most likely repeat it verbatim to anyone who might remotely find it interesting, pathetic, funny, or instructive. I found the conversation of a thirty-something mother who sat on my bench this afternoon to be ALL those things and more, so I thought I would post it in it's entirety. The following occurred precisely as I've recorded for your reading pleasure (the bits in quotation marks are spoken into a cell phone):
No.
Sit here.
No.
You will sit here and you will stay here.
No.
One way or another you will learn to sit here and you will learn to obey.
Stop.
No.
Sit.
Stop.
Stop.
"No.
I have to stay here because they won’t behave."
Sit.
"What?
What?
Well, alright."
You will learn to listen
You will learn to behave
One way or another you will learn
The hard way or the nice way
Are you guys gonna sit down and behave?
No?
Sit down.
"He doesn’t want to sit.
He won’t sit on the bench like he’s supposed to.
He just wants to kick things."
You will sit.
Why are your shoes off?
"He will learn to behave."
You’ll be sorry.
Sit.
Sit.
Be quiet.
Stop it.
"Oh my god, these kids."
Stop it now.
Now.
Quit.
"*muttering *… you would of thought.
Uh-oh."
Stop.
You’re a naughty boy.
"I don’t know."
Say please.
No.
Alright babies, be good!
"I can't go back in, they won't behave."
No.
You can't you back in.
Only good kids get to go in there.
They don't want you.
You have to sit.
Sit.
No.
No.
Behave.
Sit.
Be quiet.
"I have to go.
They won't behave."
Stop it.
Stop it.
There’s no reason to cry.
Aw fudge! (That's right folks, she won't curse in front of the little bundles of joy God blessed her with. Probably because it would be unChristian to do so. Just a guess on the motive there, but I'd be willing to lay down money on it.)
You listen!
Stop.
Sit.
Sit.
No.
No.
Be quiet.
Stop it.
Get to the car.
That's it. That's the conversation this wonderfully charming person carried on with, and about, her babies. I did not leave anything out, except for the bit that was muttered, and that certainly wasn't uplifting and caring sounding by the tone. Speaking of tone, almost all of this was delivered at conversational volume in an almost monotone, as though she had said this a kajillion times. The two children, one boy and one girl both under the age of 3-4 years old, took turns crying, quietly and persistently, throughout this 15 minute ordeal. When I stepped outside an hour later to leave work I spotted something sitting on the bench under my window. A solitary cheap white plastic cigarette lighter. I feel sorry for the woman, and even sorrier for the kids. Yet, wait, ...no. No I don't. Fuck 'em. I chose not to have children and will die a lonely old witch, so I say "That's what you get for fucking without thinking!" Sure the miserable little tykes will end up paying for their parents horrible judgement, but really don't we all... So yeah, fuck 'em. I hate people and the people who turn them turn into the people I hate.
I have decided that I need to include a mood indicator on my posts kinda as a warning system of some sort...
The forecast for this post is: Overcast early on with a 90% chance of nihilism and scattered rage storms by late afternoon.
I hate working in a public building with a public bench directly outside my very old and very uninsulated window. In this old building the windows are anything but sound proof and if you happen to sit outside my window and speak in anything other than a conspiratorial whisper I can and will hear abso-fucking-lutely everything you say. And being the horribly judgemental hateful person I am I will most likely repeat it verbatim to anyone who might remotely find it interesting, pathetic, funny, or instructive. I found the conversation of a thirty-something mother who sat on my bench this afternoon to be ALL those things and more, so I thought I would post it in it's entirety. The following occurred precisely as I've recorded for your reading pleasure (the bits in quotation marks are spoken into a cell phone):
No.
Sit here.
No.
You will sit here and you will stay here.
No.
One way or another you will learn to sit here and you will learn to obey.
Stop.
No.
Sit.
Stop.
Stop.
"No.
I have to stay here because they won’t behave."
Sit.
"What?
What?
Well, alright."
You will learn to listen
You will learn to behave
One way or another you will learn
The hard way or the nice way
Are you guys gonna sit down and behave?
No?
Sit down.
"He doesn’t want to sit.
He won’t sit on the bench like he’s supposed to.
He just wants to kick things."
You will sit.
Why are your shoes off?
"He will learn to behave."
You’ll be sorry.
Sit.
Sit.
Be quiet.
Stop it.
"Oh my god, these kids."
Stop it now.
Now.
Quit.
"*muttering *… you would of thought.
Uh-oh."
Stop.
You’re a naughty boy.
"I don’t know."
Say please.
No.
Alright babies, be good!
"I can't go back in, they won't behave."
No.
You can't you back in.
Only good kids get to go in there.
They don't want you.
You have to sit.
Sit.
No.
No.
Behave.
Sit.
Be quiet.
"I have to go.
They won't behave."
Stop it.
Stop it.
There’s no reason to cry.
Aw fudge! (That's right folks, she won't curse in front of the little bundles of joy God blessed her with. Probably because it would be unChristian to do so. Just a guess on the motive there, but I'd be willing to lay down money on it.)
You listen!
Stop.
Sit.
Sit.
No.
No.
Be quiet.
Stop it.
Get to the car.
That's it. That's the conversation this wonderfully charming person carried on with, and about, her babies. I did not leave anything out, except for the bit that was muttered, and that certainly wasn't uplifting and caring sounding by the tone. Speaking of tone, almost all of this was delivered at conversational volume in an almost monotone, as though she had said this a kajillion times. The two children, one boy and one girl both under the age of 3-4 years old, took turns crying, quietly and persistently, throughout this 15 minute ordeal. When I stepped outside an hour later to leave work I spotted something sitting on the bench under my window. A solitary cheap white plastic cigarette lighter. I feel sorry for the woman, and even sorrier for the kids. Yet, wait, ...no. No I don't. Fuck 'em. I chose not to have children and will die a lonely old witch, so I say "That's what you get for fucking without thinking!" Sure the miserable little tykes will end up paying for their parents horrible judgement, but really don't we all... So yeah, fuck 'em. I hate people and the people who turn them turn into the people I hate.
Monday, June 25, 2007
What the Fuck?
I was NOT surprised (much) to find that my blog merited a NC-17 rating. I was however surprised by WHAT merited such a rating!
This is what displayed directly below my rating after I submitted my site:
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
shit (9x)
ass (8x)
fucking (3x)
steal (2x)
masochist (1x)
Ok, I admit, I'm a bit of a potty mouth when left to my own devices. But can anyone tell me why MASOCHIST is on that list? I don't even think I used it in a sexual context, though truth be told a little spanking is always appreciated. And STEAL? What the hell people?!
Now for a story...
When I was a young girl I lived on a farm. On this farm we had a dozen cows, a few chickens, and an ass. It was my chore to muck out the barn every day after school. It was very hard work. The cows weren't too bad, as they usually stayed outside, but the ass slept in the barn every night. One day after shoveling ass shit from a barn stall, I wandered over to the hen house to steal their eggs off their nests for breakfast the next morning. On my way I passed two of the cows fucking. It looked uncomfortable. I figured the heifer had to be a masochist to enjoy that. Right then some ass fucking moral majority piece of shit decided to steal my right to free speech and he actually thought I would roll over and take it like some masochist bitch. I killed him and wrote this story using his petrified dick and a pint of his own blood.
Parts of this story are fictional, but not all of it. You decide which is which.
And Always Remember Kiddies - Words Don't Mean Shit!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Destruction
I've been meaning to write an entry, even if it's just some stupid little piddly piece of fluffy kitten vomit, but I've said I'm too busy, too tired, too far gone in my own deep dark spring time induced little grey funk to be able to muster something so pointless as a blog entry.
Bull shit.
I'm officially getting the fuck over it.
Here goes:
Last Friday I awoke late way too early, did my entire bathroom routine in the dark (the fluorescent bulbs my Geek has replaced all my nice 25 watt bulbs with is WAY too bright some mornings so I just get dressed in the dark... which explains alot, I know) feed all the whiny needy defective pets I have, couldn't find the mate to one of my favorite shoes, had to wear my crappy black flats instead, and was heading out the door late way too early, when I spotted a note. Written in black Sharpie on a blank piece of what I still refer to as "Typing Paper" was the following:
Hey Sweetie,
I hope these make your day a little "sweeter!"
Kisses -- *My Geek*
The note was weighted down by a Dark Chocolate Orange (you know the big round orange liqueur flavored chocolates you whack on the table and break apart the little segments to eat) and a can of Mango Juice. Let's just say that at 3pm while drinking that heavenly nectar and lingering over my dark chocolate fix I cried because I was so lucky.
Today as I write this, I am safe and sound at my job, and my best friend is safe and sound at her job, and my Geek is safe and sound at his job, and my parents are safe and sound at their home and jobs, and that is enough to make me cry just a little bit.
When the world is as stupid and pointlessly violent and ignorant as it is today and everyday for all it's history sometimes you have to be a little self indulgent just to feel anything at all...
Bull shit.
I'm officially getting the fuck over it.
Here goes:
Last Friday I awoke late way too early, did my entire bathroom routine in the dark (the fluorescent bulbs my Geek has replaced all my nice 25 watt bulbs with is WAY too bright some mornings so I just get dressed in the dark... which explains alot, I know) feed all the whiny needy defective pets I have, couldn't find the mate to one of my favorite shoes, had to wear my crappy black flats instead, and was heading out the door late way too early, when I spotted a note. Written in black Sharpie on a blank piece of what I still refer to as "Typing Paper" was the following:
Hey Sweetie,
I hope these make your day a little "sweeter!"
Kisses -- *My Geek*
The note was weighted down by a Dark Chocolate Orange (you know the big round orange liqueur flavored chocolates you whack on the table and break apart the little segments to eat) and a can of Mango Juice. Let's just say that at 3pm while drinking that heavenly nectar and lingering over my dark chocolate fix I cried because I was so lucky.
Today as I write this, I am safe and sound at my job, and my best friend is safe and sound at her job, and my Geek is safe and sound at his job, and my parents are safe and sound at their home and jobs, and that is enough to make me cry just a little bit.
When the world is as stupid and pointlessly violent and ignorant as it is today and everyday for all it's history sometimes you have to be a little self indulgent just to feel anything at all...
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