Been a Long Time Comin'

I've been neglecting this blog for ages now. I've also been neglecting the people I love and myself. So, it's no small wonder when the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. Work has consumed me for the past 2 years. I still feel a huge personal obligation to myself to follow through on what I've worked so long and hard to do. However, I now fully realize the toll it has taken on the rest of my life. I still can't just up and throw it all away, but I can take a deep breath and step back and get a little perspective... even if it's forced perspective.

Thus begins the first day of the rest of my life. Which actually occurred about a week ago, but I've been so busy that I'm just now getting around to acknowledging it. My Geek moved out. I miss him & I'm not going to close any doors, but in leaving the door open I can't keep anybody else from wandering inside either.

I am going to start up bellydance classes again as soon as the new class schedule starts up in July. Right now I am going to yoga classes once a week. The dog is slightly traumatized by the whole situation, so I've been taking him out for REALLY long walks in the evenings. (If I don't take him outside & walk him till he begs to go back inside, then he has trouble sleeping and insists on laying awake on the floor beside my bed moping and farting all night long.) When I'm stressed out I don't eat very much, so between the stress, the yoga, and walking the traumatized dog, I'm losing weight and feeling better than I have in a long time.

I've also started really writing again. My muse abandoned me long ago. It seems he only lingers with me while my emotions are in chaos. He has returned with a passion, now that I am heartbroken and confused. He visits me while I am wandering through the woods in the late afternoon and I lure him back home to my desk with the promise of hot tea and a tale of woe. After tea and a discussion of life's struggles, he often lounges among the books stacked untidily in the corner and encourages me as my fingers stumble across the keyboard. Finally, after a glass of wine and a heart wrenching haiku, I will topple into bed beside my black cat and my muse will gently kiss my eyelids and allow me sleep.

Work is still hard. There are personal and personality conflicts that I would rather not put to the page. Suffice it to say, I've dealt with this kind of thing before and I do have a plan B if all else fails. I'll survive work a lot easier than the unknowns of my personal life. I'm just keeping my head down and my foot out of my mouth. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, even if it seems a long distance to travel.

My Daddy told me recently that "Every day above ground is worth it's pain." I think that just might be one of my new favorite qoutes. There's another qoute that always creeps into my mind when the rug is pulled out from under me: "When a dog runs at you, whistle for him." ~Henry David Thoreau.

I'm hoping that I can keep the creative juices flowing and maybe get my life together while I'm at it. I think that one way to do that is to keep writing - anything, anytime, anywhere. It's what I did all the other times my life seemed to crumble around me. I'm going to try and post something, anything, on this blog at least once a week. That's my starting point. Maybe, if I can manage that, then I might possibly start posting a little bit of my writing. I don't know. No matter what comes, I have decided that I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where I end up. And I think that if I write a little bit, dance a little bit, and keep my friends close to my heart, then I'll at least enjoy the journey.

I realize that this post is a long & rambling explanation of something that no one besides myself cares about, but that's how I deal with things. I write them down. I bind them to the page and they don't seem so overwhelming anymore. They become nothing more than flowers pressed between the pages in an old book, until one day I find them again and can't remember why I put them there in the first place. Also, sometimes I just like shouting into the void...

a strange thing happened on the way to...

I was driving. Minding my own business, when I was delighted to see something that just struck me as peculiar (Pardon the finger shadows - I was driving 70 miles an hour at the time):






Yup, that's a basketball goal in the back of a truck. But that wasn't necessarily the part that made me watch in wonder... What caught my eye was that the net part was flying out behind it like a wind sock! I have seen basketball goals lying down on the ground and I have seen basketball goals folded back into the rafters of gymnasiums, but I have never seen a basketball goal lying down with the net still so neatly round as if waiting for that perfect jump shot. It was fascinating - at least to me. Plus, I kept wondering if I pulled in front of it and tossed something out the window if it would be at all possible to score 2 points...

a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese?

It is 3:14am. I do not usually blog when I am unable to sleep, however I have found being awake in the wee small hours of this particular morning, all alone, to be a little more than my sanity can apparently bear. I am recording this stream of consciousness to prove to myself that this is indeed NOT one of those horrifying "dream within a bout of insomnia within a dream."

I awaken an hour and a half ago - startled bolt upright in bed by the realization that I had been singing the chorus to Rihanna's "Umbrella" over & over again in my sleep. I was then startled while getting myself a drink of water by the realization that Rihanna's song "Umbrella" is simply one giant chorus. I was further startled while scrounging around looking for some Tums by hearing myself very clearly and distinctly announce to an empty house "Ou est un Pamplemousse. Je suis le Pamplemousse!" It has been nigh on 17 years since my last French class, but I know without a doubt that that translates to "In the east a grapefruit. I AM the Grapefruit!"

I'm pouring myself some SoCo, turning on my iPod, and praying sanity finds me before dawn.

Last night - A Dream Study

I was getting married

in a pink dress

which was being decorated

with pink FROSTING roses

when someone brushed my hair

and made me cry

a midget swore to kill me on my honeymoon

yet was willing to give me a sporting chance

Barbie gave a pep talk to convince him

to go through with his threat

it apparently didn't matter to her

that my family raised fish

Open Letter from the Dog

Dear Poseidon,
It has now rained for three and a half months. Please make it stop. Please. The grass is always wet. The dirt is wet. These things make my feet wet. Wet feet make it hard for me to pee. Do you know what else makes it hard to pee? Raindrops. They're distracting. They are usually cold. They are always wet. I like to pee. I have to pee outside (I still don't know why - there was a tree in house for about twenty minutes, but they wouldn't let me pee on it. Not that I tried. I wouldn't do that.) I don't like the rain. My owner likes the rain, but then again she also likes cats. Can you do something about the cats? I guess I should probably talk to Anubis or maybe the Sphinx... The rain. Please to stop the rain. You can have my favorite floss bone.

Wags & Licks,
The Dog

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 2009...

I have a "friend" going through a very tough time right now. They were very supportive of me when I was going through a very tough time. So I spent the evening talking to them and being supportive. I had called My Geek earlier in the evening to inform him of said supportive tough time talk. Geek is aware of said tough time and is also supportive though not as close to the friend and does not talk.

My Geek has a bit of a tough time this time of year also. I have a tough time this time of year. My mother has a tough time this time of year. And on December 29, 2008 they all intersected in a truly spectacular way.

My Geek had spent the entire evening working in the out of doors restoring the Interwebs to us by endlessly adjusting the routers which transfer a wireless internet signal between three houses and through the deep, dark, & panic inducing woods to our house. He did not check his voicemail to hear my explanation of the aforementioned tough time talk. He instead stumbled up through the woods to find a large truck idling in his driveway at 9:30pm. He proceeds to call me in a slight panic.

I, being a good and decent friend, have turned off my cell phone so as not to belittle nor interrupt aforementioned tough time talk. My Geek, who has a tough time this time of year, has been having nightmares recently. My Geek should not go without sleep, due to yet other more recent tough times. This along with prolonged physical exertion, probably a little low blood sugar, a dark and creepy wood, a monster truck idling in his driveway, his girlfriend nowhere to be found, not answering her phone AND a little extra emotional tough time of the year baggage thrown in for good measure and he proceeds to stalk through the woods panicked, calling & text messaging me for the next 20-30 minutes.

I, being a good and decent friend, am completely unaware of any of this. My friend finally assures me that he will be okay. I return satisfied of being a good and decent friend to my home only to find it empty. I pull out my phone to call MY Geek and see a voicemail notification. I check my voicemail. It sounds like something from The Blair Witch Project. It's My Geek out of breath, twigs snapping underfoot, asking where I am and what's wrong and what's that truck?! and then the message just cuts off mid sentence. I call him. He's out of breath. He's in the woods. He's mad. It is now 10pm. He hangs up on me.

I wander out of doors to meet him at the top of the trail and try to smooth things out or maybe start a fight. (Sometimes I try not to overthink these things and just go with what feels right in the moment, you know.) I reach the trail, in the dark, and am startled by what I think to be My Geek. However, this figure, though as tall as My Geek, is not agitated as My Geek would have been. This figure, I soon realize, is My Mother. We raise our arms in mutual bewilderment, like two mimes. My Geek stomps up the trail, passes between the two of us (still in prolonged shrugs like two sarcastic Greek statues), and then proceeds to stomp into the house and turn off all the lights.

My Mother turns to me, hugs me, hugs me again, hugs me a third time while slightly rocking me back & forth, and then announces at the top of her lungs...

"Happy Festivus!"

Indeed.


*All is well now. And I thank my lucky stars for my Geek, my friends (all five or six of you) and my family. I hope 2009 brings us all the best - and when it doesn't I'll remember why I love you all so much! Thank you all.

Arrrrggghhh!

My pirate name is:

Mad Bess Bonney

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
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Plus, I had to use the "Edit Html" tab on this post cause their code wasn't Copy & Paste worthy. Now who's a Pirate?!